So sleepy, so sleepy… and six hours of proctoring ahead of me… so fun, so fun.
I’ve spent a lot of time screwing with my web page in the last week or so… most of the work was converting old stuff to use css – writing enough styles to display a resume in css, now that’s a bitch and a half of a task.
Now, that’s interesting… what if something really is a bitch and a half, what do you do with the half? You can think of bitch and either an evil woman or a female dog, but for this analysis, I’ll stick with the canine variety to avoid pissing off too many people. Plus, with the canines, you might have sympathy for a dog and a half, where as for evil women, most people don’t have much sympathy for one, let alone and extra half so they just wouldn’t be around long enough to be of consequence.
So anyway, you’ve got a dog and a half:
First off, which half do you have? The head half, the ass half, the left half or the right half? This isn’t even to mention cutting the dog on a diagonal that’s a whole new barrel of monkeys. Which would be a whole different species, so we aren’t going to go there. Since bitch implies female dog, I suppose the head half would not be defining enough, thus you must have the ass half or a left or right half. Now, since the ass half of a dog wouldn’t survive long without being able to eat, I suppose it is safe to conclude that the half a bitch must be a left or right half. Since the heart is on the left and that tends to be necessary for survival we shall conclude that to have half a bitch, you must have the left half of a female dog.
Second question, are they attached? Is it like one dog with half a dog growing out of it’s side? If so wouldn’t that just be one single large odd looking dog? Or maybe Siamese dogs with one only half developed and only attached at a point. Still, due to natural selection and dog with another half dog attached wouldn’t last long… if having an extra half a dog presented an evolutionary advantage, we’d have them all over. So, I’m going to conclude that somehow a bitch and half implies one full dog and another separate half a dog.
Now, for what you do with your bitch and a half, now that we know the physical characteristics? The full bitch, I suppose you could treat much like any other dog, teach it to fetch, heel, sit, stay, etc. On to the half a bitch… first off, how would it get around? I would assume it would work kinda like a full dog, only with less low speed stability. If we look at it like a motorcycle vs. a car, the two legged (wheeled) one is generally faster, can corner better, but cannot stand still. It can tip over still, but not stand, so I suppose you’d have a dog which could run like the wind, pull a button hook at 60 mph, but would have to lay down if still. There’s always the problem that dogs don’t have centrifugal force to keep them upright like wheels on a bike, but never mind that for now. Must make it hard to eat, having to lay down, or be running with a feed bag around it’s head.
What about teaching it to fetch, and all those other great things you do with a dog? Well, fetching could be an issue. Sure, running so fast would be great, but think about a four legged dog carrying a Frisbee, nothing special right?… Now thing about a two legged dog carrying a Frisbee, it can’t go too slow or it’ll tip over, but it can’t go fast or the Frisbee will be an issue, much like trying to carry a nice piece of plywood on a motorcycle – yeah, it just doesn’t happen. I guess you’d just have to limit it to a tennis ball or something… but even that could be an issue with only half a mouth, what would keep the ball from falling out the non-existent side? So, I guess in conclusion the half a dog could be a real problem, quite possibly so much so as to be more of a bitch than the full dog.
Now were at a paradox of sorts… is it possible that being half a bitch could be more of a bitch than being a full bitch? Leave your comments, although I seriously doubt any comments will be even close to as insightful as this entry has been.
Sometimes I think I should be a columnist for the State News… like right now, it’s one of those times.